The One About Swine Flu

Whether you call it Influenza A, H1N1, hamthrax, porkulosis, piggy pox, porkinsons disease or trotter rot, take it from me swine flu is not funny.

I have had a burning dry fever, extreme night sweats, pounding headache, aching limbs, nausea, vomiting, raging sore throat, chesty cough and to top it all swollen neck glands the size of an un-castrated boars gonads- which if you have never seen them are really huge!! Possibly the real reason behind the name Swine Flu!!

I have felt miserable. Well actually not miserable because for the first 3 days I didn't have the energy or inclination to talk or feel anything other than in an "out of it" sort of way.
Of course, and I am sure you will appreciate, my recollection of those first few days is marred by my raised temperature, but what I can tell you is that I spent night after night in clammy bed clothes and under a damp duvet; I tossed and turned in delirium until finally the fever broke. OK, so there was no delirium but there was plenty of tossing!!

I haven't been able to turn my neck for days and when my cat sat on my stomach, which she is prone to do in the middle of the night, I thought the pressure was going to make my glands pop!!

When I thought it couldn't get any worse, I woke up and found that my nose, lips and mouth had been invaded by the herpes simplex virus. Cold sores have set up camp on my face and look set to be there for a week at least. If you are a sufferer and I mean a sufferer, not like that irritating perfect-faced courier who wears her motorcycle helmet to go swimming (purlease!!) you will know that they can be very painful as well as unsightly. So at the moment, eating, drinking, expressive talking, laughing, shouting, sneering and grimacing are definitely out of the question! And my gums!!!!! Don't get me on my gums!!

Needless to say I have been feeling rather sorry for myself of late.

For those of you who don't know, I share my life and house with my wife Dave and our son, Sun.
Now, I obviously don't want either of them to become infected with my germs but I feel Dave is going a little too far with her deep-cleaning regime. All surfaces that I touch, walk on or sit on are being bleached to death. I have been banished from any "food preparation areas" which in our house is commonly called the kitchen- name it and shame it Dave!! My toothbrush has to be rinsed under boiling water. God forbid that I forget to cough into my sleeve. I have been quarantined in the bedroom and if that is not enough, I have caught her on a number of occasions when she thinks I am sleeping, showering me with an icy cold blast from a spray that allegedly kills 99.9% of all known germs! YOU ARE NOT FUNNY DAVE!!

But things are picking up. There is light at the end of the tunnel and gratefully not at the top of a golden ladder shrouded in mist and looking suspiciously like it belonged to a guy called Jacob - if you get my drift.
7 days down and 5 days worth of Tamiflu later, I am feeling half as bad as I did but still feel knocked for 6. (NB to self- an awful lot of numbers were used in that last sentence- maybe reconsider!)

I am on the mend.

Just a quick observation before I sign off; Dave did phone the National Swine Flu helpline when I first became unwell but the line was bad and all she could hear was crackling!!
You couldn't make it up ;0)